By TAHLIA PRITCHARD
Being the only single one in a group of loved-up or married friends can sometimes be a little… trying. So for the sanity of all the singletons out there (thanks Bridget Jones) and for the essential education of couples everywhere, I present you with: the 6 irksome couply scenarios that grate the most on a single person’s nerves.
1) When ‘I’ ceases to exist and permanently becomes ‘we’:
Me: ”So what did you think of the movie?”
Friend: ”Oh we didn’t like it. We thought it was quite pretentious.”
Wow, look! A double opinion for the price of one. I forgot that when people get hitched that their brains merge into a single organ. Please don’t become the same person because you see – your friends rather liked both of you individually when that was still a thing.
2) When two people are completely incapable of spending any time apart:
Nothing is more frustrating than wanting to catch up for some serious one-on-one time with a girlfriend, only to get a ‘we’ll be there soon!’ text.
Voila, you just went from hanging out with a friend to being the third wheel on a date. It’s not as bad as him gatecrashing the girls’ night out though, which is always ruined by a dancing boyfriend bopping up to your circle because it’s been three whole hours and ‘I just miss him so much!’
3) The ‘I’ve got a boyfriend, now I’ll drop off the face of the earth’:
Ever had a friend you’ve been this close to reporting missing, before you realised they’ve just gone AWOL for a new relationship? And just when you’re about to start covering the neighbourhood with flyers of their face, they pop up in tears after a big fight with their new bloke and you become their significant other once again.
A couple of months later they go missing again, and you repeat the whole process. Used and abused.
See you sometime in the future I guess.
4) The ‘I’ll set you up with his friend! He’s also single!’
Look, I’m glad you’re all loved up, but shock horror, I’m actually okay with being single. “But my boyfriend/husband/lover has a friend who’s also single/recently divorced/available! Oh wow what a coincidence. We can double date, it’ll be fun!”
Memo to daters and married types: Being single is not a disease that single people need to be cured from.
And a double date sounds like a potentially horrendous idea.
5) The couples retreat
Is anything more frustrating than looking forward to a holiday or weekend away, before realising that you’ll be the only single one attending? It makes things slightly awkward on so many levels – from flights to accommodation.
Often you’ll be left holding the camera as your loved-up mates pose happily for a photo. Room-wise you may be left nobly taking the uncomfortable sofa because naturally as a single person, priority for a double bed is probably not going to go to you.
And just when you think your sleep couldn’t get worse, you may have the (dis)pleasure of hearing said coupled up friends having especially vocal ‘we’re on holiday’ sex in the room next door.
Tip? Make sure to pack ear plugs, your own pillow (for comforts sake) and a good sense of humour.
6) The “So are you finally dating?” question
This is possibly the most irritating question a coupled-up friend can ask because there’s no way you can ever win.
A coupled-up person just does not understand a how a non-coupled-up person could ever be happy.
When you cheerfully answer no, you get the raised eyebrow and the backwards compliment of ‘Well it’s so nice that you’re okay with being alone!’
Um, did I say I was alone? I have two men in my life thank-you very much. Their names are Ben and Jerry and they are delicious.
Please share to educate overly-coupled-up types everywhere.