Ladies the races are upon us! It’s time to drop a small fortune on a feather stuck to a headband, frock up and back a winner. I thought I’d put together a small pre-races intervention for you all.
Over the years I have seen some disturbing sights (sure, some of them involving me) so I thought I’d put to use all my years of getting it horrifically wrong to help you all get it fabulously right. I give you:
Em’s guide to keeping it nice at the races.
(Because as we all know, the difference between triumph and tragedy can be just half a length or just half a champagne).
1. Shoes on AT ALL TIMES ladies. I CANNOT stress this enough. If you cannot go the distance, don’t wear the footwear, simple as that. In fact, do not remove any part of your outfit unless it’s a jacket. The Melbourne cup is not the place to get your kit off and dance like it’s 1999.
2. Do not allow yourself to get completely horizontal AT ANY POINT. Having a cheeky Nanna nap is unacceptable and you know it.
3. Do not under any circumstances use a garden bed for a toilet/rest area.
4. Have a sober friend whose sole purpose is to maintain the group’s dignity.
5. Chugging champers STRAIGHT from the bottle is a no-no.
6. Have either cleavage OR legs out. Repeat “OR” not “AND”.
7. Assume at some point your knickers are going to be seen. Decent underwear/foundation garments are essential to combat both sudden gusts of wind and/or sudden gusts of stupidity.
8. The only “mounting” of a filly should be happening on the track NOT OFF.
9. Do not let your boyfriend “design” your outfit and keep it for a “surprise” on the day. I have seen this believe it or not… Rule 7 and rule 2 were not only broken but left sobbing in the car park.
10. If it’s going to rain, be prepared. Cutting a hole in a garbage bag is beneath you.
11. Plastic bra straps ‘aint fooling anyone lady. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. I know that you know that I can see them, that we can all see them.
Either invest in a good strapless bra or pick another outfit. Seriously. WE CAN ALL SEE THEM. Yep, even the ones with the little gems embedded in the straps, especially those ones.
12. No tan is better than tandoori tan. I promise.
Thus ends my public service announcement.
Keep it nice, think of your Mother.
For some races fashion inspiration, check out our bumper gallery of the fashion from last year’s races. Caulfield Cup, Melbourne Cup day, Derby day – look and learn….
Em Rusciano is the host of Mamamia Today on Austereo (which you should be tuning into at 3pm every weekday on the Today Network) and regularly appears on Network Ten’s ’The Project’. You should follow her on Twitter here and take a look at her website here. You can listen to podcasts of Mamamia today here.