By ROSIE WATERLAND
Break-ups are the worst.
Could I have put that more eloquently? Probably.
If you’ve ever been dumped though, you really don’t need much more than that to get where I’m coming from. They are THE WORST.
But, you do come out the other side of them eventually, and with a whole bunch of valuable life lessons to boot. Lessons that will help you navigate your way through the murky waters of heartache and shame the next time around. And because I’m a selfless writer who wants nothing more than to share those lessons with others (and I had a whole bunch of GIFs I really wanted to use), here is a list of the 9 stages of a break-up. In GIF form.
Stage 1: The Event (Or: WTF JUST HAPPENED?)
Even if a little part of you maybe saw it coming, a break-up is still planned by the other party to knock you off balance. This allows them to run away while you’re still sitting in a cloud of shocked confusion:
You may manage a weak one of these…
But there’s just no stopping this runaway train, my friend.
Stage 2: Begging/Bargaining
This is where the dust settles and you realise you’ve just been dumped on you arse. You’ve had time to plan your counter-move, which usually involves a wave of texts in the form of song lyrics and love affirmations. You also apologise for every bad thing that’s ever happened, including the Ebola virus and Celebrity Splash. You send messages like this:
And get responses like this:
To which you reply with this:
Stage 3: FEELINGS
This stage is when you realise that no matter how much begging you do, no matter how many things you take the blame for, IT. IS. OFFICIALLY. OVER. Observe:
Stage 4: Learning to love again (food and alcohol, obviously)
This stage also includes the dumpee taking to their sofa/bed, Grey Gardens-style.
Stage 5: Stalking your lover on on Facebook. (Or: WHO THE F*CK IS THAT DOUCHE CANOE?)
You’ll have no memory of this stage, but to give you some kind of idea, this is what you become:
And every photo you see of them with anyone outside their immediate family makes you react like this:
Stage 6: The Facebook jealousy turns into RAGE
How dare THEY break up with YOU? And look at that stupid FACE! Suddenly the answer to every question they’ve ever asked you becomes this:
Stage 7: Don’t even care
What was their name again?
Stage 8: Seeing them in public and not freaking out.
This is where you get to pull some awesome moves like this:
Stage 9: Laughing every time you think about the fact you once dated that person.
Well played, Swifty. Well played.