8 lessons we learned from celebrities this week

It’s Friday – time to pull up and listen to your weekly reading from The Book Of Celebrity brought to you by the our very own educator on all matters celebrity, Acacia Stichter

1. If someone is breaking into your house, the first thing you do is Tweet

When your full time job is to create publicity for yourself in order to get more publicity and you have a knife-wielding man trying to break into your house, you should see this as an opportunity to Tweet.

Paris Hilton tweeted a picture of the police at her house moments after they arrested a man for trying to break in: “So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes. Cops are here arresting him.” This of course alerted the media to the party that was happening at her house and within minutes, there were helicopters overhead. So what does Paris do? Walks out on her balcony in nothing more than a bed sheet. Genius! That’s a day’s worth of publicity right there. The man, Nathan Lee Parada (that could only have been funnier if his name was Gucci) was arrested and charged and a rep for Paris released a statement informing us that “Paris is naturally shaken by the events but is unharmed and well.”’

2. Fact: the Kardashians will one day rule the world.

I know I am pretty much the only person on the planet who doesn’t take offence to this but it’s true. The fifth season of Keeping Up with the Kardashianspremiered in America this week and posted record ratings for the E! Channel. The show was the second highest rated show in E!’s history (beaten only by last season’s Kardashian final), bringing in 4.7 million viewers and thereby totally justifying my obsession with them. To put this in to perspective: more people watched the season premiere of KUWTK (that’s Keeping Up with the Kardashians to the non-believers) than the final episode of Australian Masterchef with Adam and Callum.

Now kids, dont be upset but this will be my last ever report on the Kardashians as Mia has banned me from bringing you the wisdom of the enlightened ones. In honour of this I will go underground with my teachings and will honour my fearless leaders by thinking to myself everyday when getting dressed… ‘Would a Kardashian wear this?’ (I’m not kidding either).

3. It is probably best to REALLY think about plastic surgery before you do it.

Surprise, surprise … Heidi Montag has come out and said she is desperate to remove her size G implants in favour of smaller ones. The Hills star famously underwent 10 procedures last year including, including a brow lift, nose job, chin reduction, neck liposuction, boob job and buttock augmentation (and that’s only part of the list) and now wants to reduce her bust telling. She told Life & Style magazine: “I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D… I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs. ‘It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.” What did she think she was going to be able to do with them? She has almost 10kgs sitting on her chest. Was she expecting to be able to run marathons?

Heidi says she is now shopping around for a South American surgeon to reduce her bust, fearing she will have to live with the twins after her surgeon Dr. Frank Ryan was killed in a car accident late last week. “I feel trapped in my own body,” she said. “There’s just no fixing it. Dr. Ryan knows the work he did, he knows everything.”

4. If you are a cash-strapped celebrity, it is possible to make $18,000 by turning up to a night club

Pamela Anderson (who is known to be in a sport of financial bother) made $18,000 this week just for showing up to a nightclub in Essex for its second anniversary party and all Pam had to do was pose for some photos with the natives and drink champagne in the VIP room. Not bad for a few hours ‘work’.

This isn’t a new thing. Celebrities do it all the time. Those well mannered kids from Jersey Shore can make up to $10,000 for showing up to a club and many F- list celebrities make most of their money doing appearances. This is why you constantly see pictures of reality stars posing at nightclubs.

5. Don’t smoke and drive.

George Michael knows this rule – or at least he does now. George pleaded guilty this week in a UK court to driving under the influence of cannabis. The singer was arrested last month after he totaled his Range Rover by driving into a shop (a crime in itself). Have you seen how awesome those cars are? Anyway … he later admitted he had smoked some of the good stuff prior to driving and he accepted all responsibility for his actions. The judge looking after the case suspended his drivers’ license for six months saying, “It is a serious matter. Your driving was extremely poor and there was an accident.” I’m sure George was thinking it could have been a lot worse. He could have gone into a public toilet looking for anonymous sex and been busted by an undercover cop… oh wait…

6. Do a better job of keeping your mistresses happy or it could end up costing you $100 million.

$100million! This is how much Tiger Woods is reportedly paying his now ex-wife Elin Norgegren in their divorce which was finalised this week. That works out to be roughly $8.3 million per mistress (and that’s only counting the ones we know about). In her first and last interview about the divorce Elin, told People magazine: “I never suspected, not a one. For the last three-and-a-half years, when all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school.”

‘In the interview, Elin also denied fighting with Woods on the night of the famous crash at their Florida home: “There was never any violence inside or outside our home “. The settlement terms of the divorce have not been made public but it is widely suggested that she could have been eligible to half of his estimated $1 billion fortune and agreed to the lower sum to avoid a messy divorce. Reports suggest she will keep the $1.5 million dollar home in Florida and  the $1.5 million hideaway house in her native Sweden where she is suspected to spend most of her time. Now that Tiger is free to hook up with whoever he wants, I have a made a list of ladies he should call on –Paris and Lindsay.
7. If you have been declared bankrupt you can still vacation overseas every few weeks.

Not sure how she manages it but the ‘penniless’ Duchess of York is now on her eighth foreign holiday in a matter of months. Reportedly in debt for around $4 million (and I thought my credit card debt was bad), Fergie was attending the lavish birthday party of hotel magnate Sir Sol Kerzner in Sardina with her pal Naomi Campbell, teaching us that even in a financial slum one can live a jet setting lifestyle. In the last few months alone, Fergie has been spotted in the French Riviera, several states in America, Portugal, Spain and on Richard Branson’s private island in the Caribbean. Sources close to the Duchess say some of these trips have been work related and therefore not costing her a penny. What I want to know is how you can call a few days on a private island work and how do I get that job?

8. Oprah got new hair!

I know this isn’t a lesson as such but it is information that is vital for your day to day life. The latest issue of Oprah’s O magazine hit newsstands in America and POW! there is Oprah with a new do celebrating her makeover issue. Not sure whether or not this is a wig but I don’t care. She looks awesome. If Oprah does it, the world shall follow. Here endith the lesson!