I don’t like actively lying to my child. Not because I’m moral. Just because if she is going to ask a question, she is going to get an answer. A full answer. A complete answer. With charts and graphs. You see, while some mums are good at making cake pops and turning average holidays into magic and actually cooking the recipes they put on Pinterest, I’m good at answering questions.
In 11th grade, my AP European History teacher actually banned me from raising my hand until two other people had answered questions. That should be on my Linked In profile. I mean, really.
But there is something about a toddler and their insistence, their questions aren’t really questions, they are more a toddler’s way of giving you the finger before they learn the manual dexterity to actually do so. When my daughter says, “What dat? What dat? WHAT DAT!?” Twenty times in five minutes, I don’t hear, “I’m a child and curious about the world” I hear her saying “When I’m 13 I’m going to tell you I hate you everyday.”
It’s like that. So, when she started talking, I gave her full answers. “Why can you see the moon during the day? Well, because the moon reflects the light from the sun and sometimes, early in the morning it’s still visible because of the low light and…oh, you pooped.’
Now, I say, “What moon? I don’t see a moon. Don’t put that sticker on my butt.”
Here are 10 of the lies I tell my daughter on a regular basis. I’m documenting them, so years later, when she Googles, “Why do I have trust issues” I hope I can provide her some clarity, because if she asks me, I’m going to be all, “What trust issues? I’ve never lied. Pour me a drink!”
1. The snowmen had to go home to see their mums’ and clean up their toys.
2. I don’t know where “Brown Bear, Brown Bear”/your dummy/or the toy that sings the ABC’s really loudly is.
3. We don’t have any more biscuits. Daddy ate them all up.
4. Sure, I’d love to read you George and the Tadpoles again. And again.
5. I’m sure that dog doesn’t want to eat your food.
6. I’m sure that bird doesn’t want to eat your food.
7. The new baby won’t eat your food.
8. I won’t eat your chicken nuggets.
9. Even if a dinosaur was alive, he wouldn’t come into your room because he just wants to eat some yummy broccoli.
10. The iPad is broken.
Lyz Lenz is a writer and blogger. Her writing has been featured on MSNBC, AOL, Forbes, XOJane, The Hairpin and Mental Floss, to name a few. She is also a blogger for TruTv, the Huffington Post, The Real Moms of Eastern Iowa and Mom.me. She also runs a blog over on LyzLenz.com, where she overshares all over the Internet. You can and should follow her on Twitter here and Facebook here
What lies do you tell your kids?